By Tim Stannard
  
Every loser wins in England v Belgian finale  
 
Ordinarily, England fans suffering a disappointing defeat in the World Cup is a fairly routine affair, considering how much the Three Lions have royally sucked in the tournament every since winning it in 1966 thanks to a dubious refereeing decision against Germany.
 
However, in some quarters on Thursday, a defeat to Belgium in the final match of the World Cup group stages will be met with hearty cheers. Both teams are already through on six points with England on top due to a better disciplinary record having tied with Belgium on goals scored and conceded.
 
The weirdness comes when looking ahead to the quarterfinals when the team in second will theoretically be in the easier side of the bracket and face the winners of either Sweden or Switzerland rather than Brazil (or Mexico). Hence the shenanigans that might take place in Kaliningrad.
 

Stiff-upper-lip gentleman and England coach, Gareth Southgate, won’t hear talk of such nonsense with a moment of reality bites - "we've not won a knockout game since 2006; why we're trying to plot what would be a better route for our semifinal is beyond me.” Besides, ‘Arry Kane has a good chance of winning the Golden Boot.

Very different talk from those dastardly Belgians, who are looking at the bigger picture and are set to make huge changes to the starting eleven. We “want to perform well but the priority is not to win,” announced Roberto Martinez mentally downing tools.
 
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Win or defeat (or maybe a draw) for Colombia in World Cup climax
 
While Group G is the last to complete in this World Cup, Group H is barging ahead in the line to get its business done on Thursday morning, USA time. And as opposed to the plodding nature of the afternoon to come, this is set to be another monster-fest of drama with three teams going for two spots.

 
Japan are currently at the top of the group and will fancy their chances of progressing and only need a draw or win against the already eliminated and very hapless Poland.  Senegal are in the passenger seat, currently sitting in second spot with four points, one more than Colombia who the Africans are facing on Thursday – so that means Senegal need just a point.
 
Colombia? A win is enough, a draw could be if Japan lose to Poland. It is going to be one of those days again, but lacking of the global Schadenfreude of Germany being knocked out, the moment for which this word was invented.
 
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Mattress hell for Marcelo and Germany say sorry
 
By the way, we are just 24 hours away from a gaping void of emptiness with Friday being a World Cup rest day ahead of the Last 16 ties, a dreadful piece of dastardly planning by FIFA and worthy of an FBI raid.
 
Brazil are sweating on the fitness of Marcelo who was subbed out of Brazil’s win against Serbia after just ten minutes. The team doctor is blaming the hotel mattress for some back spasms which is not as crazy as it sounds. Meanwhile, Neymar is set to stay in the camp despite hearing that his sister reportedly dislocated her shoulder celebrating his goal against Costa Rica.
 
Meanwhile, Diego Maradona has at least one more Argentina match left in him before keeling over and being airlifted to a Swiss clinic for the rest of his life. “I am more alive than ever!” boasted Diego.
 
The German team - remember them? – has written a farewell card to fans lamenting that “we are as disappointed as you.” Auf wiedersehen!

Rooney is DC-bound for million-dollar deal
 
Real Madrid has reportedly turned down a $200 million bid from Liverpool for Marco Asensio, hopefully putting an end to that particular story.
 
Actually, scrap that nonsense European stuff, let’s focus on an all-American story with the nation feeling a little left out of the World Cup party. Wayne Rooney is coming to MLS! For half a million dollars a week! No, really! He’s on a plane! And he is pointing his thumb upwards! The deal is expected to be done over the weekend, once the Everton man has done the DC tour, and met Javanka.

After that, Rooney with face the reality of DC United life which sees the side at the bottom of the Eastern Conference with just the two wins from twelve.
 
 

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