By Tim Stannard

1) North America to care about other sports again  

10,500 athletes, 207 teams, 28 sports (27 if you don’t include golf. The Greatest Show on Earth is just hours from launch in an Olympics Opening Ceremony in Rio that will see the entire 2016 health budget for Brazil blown in the space of just a few hours. 

Over the next two-and-half weeks, millions of North Americans will remember the names of the gymnasts again, watch tiny people lift weights, wonder what on earth modern pentathlon is all about and be repeatedly blasted by an inspirational Katy Perry song that will then be recycled by the Hillary Clinton Campaign in November. Woo hoo! 

2) Messi tipped for swift return as Neymar begins own international agony

A whole raft of will-he-won't-he stories has been opened up like a wormhole to infinity.

Argentinean paper, Ole, is claiming that Leo Messi's international retirement will be downgraded to a temporary huff. Apparently, the Barca man has already been persuaded to come back to the fold by Edgardo Bauza. Either that or through the use of hypnotism.

Speaking of Barcelona players suffering psychological scars from international duty…Neymar sobbed on Thursday that Brazil’s goalless draw against South Africa in the team's Rio 2016 opener felt like a loss. Iraq on Sunday are next up for the hosts in another bitterly disappointing display.

3) Man City get off lightly in Champions League draw   

The final play-off match ups for the next season's Champions League have been drawn. And a solid group of four clubs are not going to be entirely chirpy with their lot. The first unhappy pairing will be Villarreal and Monaco who must square off in the group stages along with Porto and Roma. 

Pep Guardiola's Man City will face Steaua Bucharest whilst Celtic land Hapoel Beer-Sheva. 

Sticking with UEFA news, European's governing body have come up with another awards story for supporters to bicker over. UEFA have announced their three-man short list for best player in Europe, and there is no Leo Messi or Luis Suarez. 

Instead, Antoine Griezmann (fair enough), Cristiano Ronaldo (mmm) and Gareth Bale (!!!) appear. The winner will be announced on August 25th and the prize given to CR7, most probably, or he will release another one of those creepy blanket videos.

4) Bayern to seal new Lewa deal as Barca defender edges towards Serie A

NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN DEAL! Bayern Munich have tried to squish Real Madrid's interest in Robert Lewandowski by claiming that the striker is going to be offered a new deal at the Allianz Arena. However, there is some bad news for the Polish striker. "We are not going to offer the same figures as City or PSG," warned club president, Karl-Heinze Rummenigge. 

RUMOR! Thomas Vermaelan close to having a year at Roma on loan from Barcelona.

5) WBA and Milan to be in Chinese hands as FIFA clear president in ethics probe

ENTIRE CLUB TRANSFERED TO CHINA! After a whole year of stories, one particular epic can now be put to bed. AC Milan is now reportedly in the hands of a Chinese investment group after it paid nearly a billion dollars for the club.

ENTIRE CLUB TRANSFERED TO CHINA! AGAIN! EPL outfit, West Brom are the latest team to be sold to a Chinese investment group. If the deal goes through, WBA will be the third team in the English Midlands region to be in Chinese hands, after the recent purchases of Wolves and Aston Villa.

FIFA NEWS! A very secret FIFA ethics committee has cleared FIFA president Gianni Infantino of any charges they may or may not have been brought up before him in hearings that may or may not have happened.

Remember, Remember! The Toughest League in the World, the Championship, gets underway on Friday at 2.30PM ET / 11.30AM PT with Fulham hosting the mighty Newcastle United.

WHAT IS SPORTS BURST?

The life philosophy of Sports Burst is that if you are not upsetting someone, then you are not trying hard enough. SB is a daily trawl and troll through the morning's sports news to bring you fact-nuggets to make you both smile and swear. Hopefully at the same time.