By Tim Stannard

1) Mourinho says Neymar move to Manchester is “absurd”

Well that ended rather abruptly. Rather like Manchester United Premier League title chances, rather coincidentally.

There was the football world looking forward to spending those idle summer days speculating over a possible earth-shattering transfer of Neymar from Barcelona to Old Trafford but up pops Jose Mourinho to crush the planet’s hopes of some off-season shenanigans before they had barely been raised.

The Portuguese provoker was talking to ESPN Brazil and said the idea of Neymar moving to Manchester United was “absurd”. “It’s like trying to break into a safe…impossible,” exclaimed Mourinho to rapidly end speculation of a $200 million clause-busting move for the forward this summer. Unless, he is deploying…the mind games?

2) Two more years for Wenger at Arsenal?

Now one man who knows all about those infamous mind games is Mr Arsene Wenger, defender of the Arsenal cause and the mission to go fourth into the future. The usual suspects of topics turned up for his weekly Thursday chat in front of the media ahead of Arsenal’s home humdinger against Manchester City on Sunday.

Alexis Sanchez – “there is only one team in London” on quotes from the Chile man on staying in the English capital. Footballers being rubbish – “being professional is to perform on the football pitch and not to find escape excuses where I think there are none.” And of course, whether Wenger is going to be at the club next season – “It’s a subject that, at the moment, is not sorted completely out.

That last cryptic comment may stem from a story that Wenger has asked the club for a new two-year deal, that may not go down to well with the bedraggled Arsenal faithful.

3) Maradona plans to save Leo Messi

Switching tack now to Barcelona and little Leo Messi, who is back in the city after a rotten few days which saw a four-match suspension being imposed on the player by the FIFA and a hopeless loss to Bolivia to leave Argentina’s chances of losing in a World Cup penalty shoot out to France in 2018 in tatters. However, a legend of the county’s sport could be swinging in to save the day – Diego Maradona. Oh yes.

The recently appointed FIFA ambassador is claiming that he will use his new-found power to speak to the FIFA president to get the ban quashed or reduced. “I will speak with Infantino, as I think it's terrible.” "There is one Argentina with him and another without him," noted Maradona on the difference between a bad team and a really bad team.

4) Ronaldo’s sculptor defends magnum opus

Arguably the best and biggest story of the week is rolling into day two – Ronaldo’s statue, an uncanny likeness of Cristiano Ronaldo were the Real Madrid man to drink 8 pints of cider, take a packet of muscle relaxants and spend the day watching the Property Brothers.

The sculptor behind this avant-garde piece of work now welcoming visitors to an airport in Portugal has defended his masterpiece claiming that “even Jesus did not please everyone.” Emanuel Santos claimed that the statue was created out of images taken off the internet, but that Ronaldo was fully engaged at all times.

"He only asked for some wrinkles to be changed,” revealed Santos to no-one’s surprise with Ronaldo claiming that the statue made him look too old. In the end, that was probably the least of the footballer’s concerns on Wednesday.

5) Venus Williams focused on Miami…Nice!

Tennis time!

And a big old day at the Miami Open with the women’s semifinals which is all very 2009. Rather like the whole year for the WTA to be fair. One semifinal pairing features Danish destroyer, Carolina Wozniaki facing Karolina Pliskova whilst Venus Williams continues her fantastic 2017 so far with a final four clash against Britain’s Johanna Konta.

Also taking place on Thursday are the final two quarterfinal clashes in the men’s bracket. Roger Federer takes on Tomas Berdych – a clash between two players that have yet to drop a set - whilst bad boy, but good player Nick Kyrgios faces Alexander Zverev.

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