By Tim Stannard

1) Paulinho presentation fails to lift Barcelona spirits 

Easy now, keyboard warriors of the ‘Cule’ fraternity. 

It’s not Sports Burst suggesting that the fine institution of Barcelona is slightly rickety ahead of the new La Liga season, it’s pretty much the vibe from Barcelona fans, media and even players themselves on Thursday, one day before La Liga restarts. 

Another loss to a stripped down Real Madrid at the Santiago Bernabeu had King Cule himself, Gerard Pique, admitting that he was feeling down in the dumps about Barca’s existence. “In nine years at Barcelona this is the first time that I have felt we are inferior to Madrid,” admitted the stopper after Wednesday’s second Clasico loss in a week. 

Supporters are also universally gloomy about the direction of the club, not just the sale of Neymar, but the drip, drip of talent out and the drip, drip of..er…drips…in. Even rival clubs are making fun of Barcelona. Borussia Dortmund CEO Hans-Joachim Watzke has trashed assurances from Barca general manager Pep Segura, that Ousmane Dembele’s transfer was imminent to shore up the Camp Nou club’s attack. 

"Barcelona has not moved a millimeter closer to finishing the Dembele transfer. The only explanation is that Real Madrid made Barcelona dizzy during the Supercopa matches," chuckled Watzke.

Still, it’s not all bad news for Barcelona. Well, it is really. Paulinho has just been unveiled, a world class midfielder apparently, who has spent the last few years at Tottenham and the Chinese Super League. Oh dear.

Tune into the XTRA from 7PM ET / 4PM PT for a look at just how Barcelona got themselves into this fine mess, in the first place. 

2) Klopp ignorant to Barca’s Coutinho claims

Staying on Barcelona bad news theme and Jurgen Klopp had to go through some verbal gymnastics on Thursday to discuss the situation with another Barca target, Philippe Coutinho. Officially speaking, the Brazilian forward has been sidelined since the start of the season with back injury. Of course. 

“It’s not always easy for me to say the 100 percent truth, even if I don’t like to lie. But this time this is the situation,” wiggled Klopp speaking ahead of Liverpool’s home clash against Crystal Palace. 

And as for the seemingly desperate promise of new signings from Pep Segura? “I don’t know why other people are saying what they’re saying. I don’t even know him. I have never met him.” Strike two. 

3) Suarez set for month on sidelines 

Heck, Sports Burst is on a roll today in terms of Barcelona bad news, so here is some more. 

Although an official medical report has yet to be issued it, “some people say” that Luis Suarez is all with the Cristiano Ronaldo and missing about a month of the start of the season. But through injury rather than referee rabble rousing. The Uruguayan picked up a knee-knock against Real Madrid. 

Oh, remember the whooping and hollering over Leo Messi renewing with Barcelona? He hasn’t actually signed it yet. PSG anyone, anyone, anyone? Bueller?

4) Matuidi continues Juve’s marathon medical 

Transfer Tracker! Serie A style! 

In what looks like the steal of the summer considering how much Barcelona are paying for Paulinho, Blaise Matuidi is still undergoing a medical at Juventus so stringent that Sports Burst is sure that it would fail it even before removing its pants.  

Fiorentina striker, Nikola Kalinic is so keen on forcing through a move to Milan that the footballer is not even willing to stay in shape by training for the club that plays him. The Serie A side said that the footballer was AWOL on Thursday and will be punished by being forced to watch The Emoji Movie. 

Meanwhile, Diego Simeone’s son Giovanni has officially completed a move to Fiorentina from Genoa for around $16 million. 

Don’t forget that Serie A returns on Saturday morning with Juventus beginning their title defense with a home clash against Cagliari, live on beIN SPORTS from 11:55PM ET / 8:55AM PT.

WHAT IS SPORTS BURST?

The life philosophy of Sports Burst is that if you are not upsetting someone, then you are not trying hard enough. SB is a daily trawl and troll through the morning's sports news to bring you fact-nuggets to make you both smile and swear. Hopefully at the same time.